Friday, December 22, 2006

The Very Grumpy Goddess

Today the goddess speaks about herself:

A very grumpy goddess embarked on a shopping trip way too early in the morning. She was accompanied by her most studly man nymph. They did not have a list. . .
The goddess and the studly man nymph must never go out without a list. It is more than mildly distressing how they enable each other to spend, spend, spend when they go shopping together.
After buying 12 things, 9 of which were not planned for, at the first store (who can resist popping extras into the basket at Cost Plus? she said in a beseeching voice) the very grumpy goddess suggested a stop, at Bob's Red Mill, to make a list over a healthy meal and unlimited free refills of coffee.
Ahhhh. . . The list. The coffee. The sumptuous reuben sandwich. The very grumpy goddess was now only slightly grumpy. The organized pair tra-la-lahed to their next consumer oriented destination; happy in their agreement that everything purchased at Bob's, that was not on any list, was perfectly legal since the list was 'created' there. All purchases made at Bob's were therefore automatically part of the list by association. Next stop--Trader Joe's.
As their golden carriage pulled near to their next destination, the goddess could see that parking would be at a premium, and although she pointed out a perfectly good spot to her manly companion, he assured her there would be a better one if they just waited. Waiting for the perfect spot only created a short line of chariots, with horses chomping at the bit, behind them. Maintaining her stately calm, the goddess ever so sweetly leaned into her patient soul mate and, caressing him with her breath, she crooned,
"I'm getting out here".
With a quick flutter of her long, burnished eyelashes, the goddess sailed out of the chariot, ever so gently closing the door behind her. I wish I could say that the studly man nymph joined her as quickly as possible but, alas the this story is not about happy little elves. After cooling her exquisitely shod heals in the store for twenty minutes the goddess was once again feeling very grumpy. You see, the SMN (studly man nymph) had the list in his pocket. The goddess tried to fill her basket with everything she could remember fr0m the list but, she had hit a wall. Parking her basket between the potted orchids and the bread rack (odd pairing that--read with a british accent) our lovely, forsaken goddess became quite agitated. Where could her SMN be? Had there been an accident in the parking area? Had an alien space ship appeared, hovering over the golden chariot, and whisked it away with her beloved still in it? Hark! A voice floats to her as if on a cloud of orchid dust,
"Hey, do you have everything yet?"
Sweetly, and not with her teeth clenched at all, the goddess turned; her long sable locks sweeping across the cheek of her perfectly intact SMN. Did someone cry out in pain? She thought. No. It must be her wild imagination. There he stood in all his befuddled splendor.
Needless to say, he had stepped into the store next door.
"Was it really so long?"He mildly queried when the goddess reported that he had been missing for twenty minutes. The very grumpy goddess requested the keys and left the SMN to finish the shopping with THE LIST.
A little holiday music, and a smattering of NPR worked their magic on our grumpy gal. By the time the bags were stowed in the back of the chariot the goddess was feeling not so grumpy anymore. They were soon off to visit not one but two New Season's Markets. Everything on the list finally accounted for the studly man nymph gave his goddess a much welcome embrace. Bolstered by the hug, the very tired goddess drug her exquisitely shod heels to her golden chariot and headed into the golden sunset.
The End
Peace and patience be yours, The Goddess of Everything

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