Today the goddess speaks about herself:
It's not really Beyonce's fault. It's merely happenstance that she is involved at all.
I was the one with the brilliant idea of doing a 'cleanse' during my Christmas break. Just three days was all I was going to devote to this Master Cleanse thingy. It was a way to reboot my system back to healthy eating. I was one sick little hard drive the last three weeks before Christmas.
The mass amounts of chocolate and alcohol, bread and cheese, and coffee, and more alcohol that I consumed was world class. I could be in the Guinness Book of World Records for overdoing it.
Once I cozied up in front of my computer to watch missed episodes of Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy on ABC's full-stream, with a box of chocolates, I was a goner. The first couple of hours the box was downstairs. I would go down during each commercial break to grab one, or two, or four, and snarf them down. Before I knew it one box was gone. That's when I really let lose and brought the second box upstairs. Forget about exercise or self-control then. I was all in.
When I found myself wandering downstairs during a commercial I felt compelled to bring something back up with me. It didn't take much pondering in front of the open refrigerator for me to decide that I was darn thirsty for a beer. I wish someone had been there to slap me silly.
Months of healthy eating went down the toilet because of a couple of boxes of chocolate.
My students had wanted to gift me with sweets.Didn't they ever notice that I never eat the cupcakes at the birthday parties; or that I rarely have a gummy bear, and then I only eat one clear colored gummy bear when I reward them with gummies? Is this level of observational skill so beyond the scope of six and seven year olds?! Giving me chocolate for a gift must have been some kind of plot. They must have known that I would be lazing about during vacation with nothing better to do than watch old TV episodes on the Internet, and eat bad things!!
Never mind all of that now. After months of healthy eating my body completely went into gimme mode after my binge. The overeating of chocolate was the gateway to eating too much bread and cheese, followed by too much wine, chased down at the beginning of every day by too much coffee. My gut was a roiling, boiling vessel of hell; a lemniscate of bad digestion. I had to regain control!
During one of the few seconds I wasn't blinded in a haze of built up toxins I thought about a summer visitor. A friend of ours had told my husband about a cleanse that had really cleared his head, and made him feel healthier than he had in years. I told myself right then, "I will get back on track!" I chose Christmas eve to go off of coffee, and the day after Christmas to begin the cleanse. After grilling my husband about the ingredients of the elixir our friend solely survived on for ten days I was off and limping. The cleanse turned out to be The Master Cleanse. When I visited their web-site I saw that this was the very same cleanse Beyonce had used to lose weight for 'Dreamgirls'. BONUS! I vaguely remembered her remarking on her grouchiness and need to be in close proximity to the toilet but, I airily waved that memory out of my consciousness. It just seemed that if Beyonce, with her busy schedule and constant demands on her time could do this then, so could I. Also, I only planned to do it for three days not ten.
Day one and two weren't so bad. On day one I was inundated with food images on TV and and the Internet. However, I was stalwart in my resolve. I was also very sleepy. Day two was a much improved experience. I had a boost of energy that allowed me to complete several tasks that I had been putting off of late. All that day I was thinking of extending the cleanse to lose weight like Beyonce. It was such an unbelievable breeze. I even went to the movies, where the smell of popcorn, although tantalizing, did not cause me to consider breaking my fast.
Oh man, I didn't want to get up. (There was a ballgame going on in my gut or something equally as active). The call to the throne was just too urgent. Over and over again it called me until I didn't think I had anything left to give. I hadn't even done the chugging of the very expensive French salt mixed with a quart of water yet. Once I got that down though I was vigorously nauseous. What had happened? It had all gone so well the previous two days. This is when my husband told me that our friend hadn't been able to handle the salt water purge. Knocking my head against the wall I went back up to bed. My intent was to have that water come out the end for which it was meant. I had nine months of throwing up with the last kid. If I could learn to hold it back until I rolled down a car window, I could certainly hold back this little tide for a few minutes.
Well, it is later. I did hold that tide back until it was ready to cleanse what it was meant to cleanse. After all I am a pro. I'm just so conflicted now. My belly looks so much smaller. I even got out the tape measure. It is actually smaller around than my chest (a big goal for me lately).
How can I not keep going? If Beyonce can do it why can't I? So what if she had a big, cool musical movie as a carrot? I have my good health as a goal. I'm getting rid of nasty toxins so that my body can accept the good food I will feed it from now on.
Although. . . seven more days of this and I won't have any belly left. I would look amazing! I might even be able to try out for a big, cool musical like Beyonce.
I WANT TO BE AS BOOTYLICIOUS AS BEYONCE!
You see where this has taken me? It's all Beyonce's fault. Damn her bootyliciousness!
May peace and common sense be yours from, The Goddess of Everything
PS, bootylicious is now a word in the English Oxford Dictionary.
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