Making It Better

Today the goddess speaks about herself:

I've been in an angry, transitional phase for over a year now. Nearly two, truth be told. First there was 'acceptance' then came anger. Not how it is supposed to work.

I accepted that I needed heart surgery. What followed was a brief time of healing the immediate wounds, and a long time of dealing with the scars.

I'm not done with the scar healing thing, but I am beginning to deal better.

At first, I was angry about the medications making me gain weight. Then, I was really angry about having to go back to work before I felt ready. Later, I was really, really angry about the scars AND going back to work full-time. I don't know that I can do anything about working. Life requires money. Money requires work. I could do something about the scars.

Last week I got a beautiful tattoo that covers one of my scars. It is a monarch butterfly. Now instead of looking down and seeing an ugly scar, I look down and see a beautiful butterfly. It's a start.

May anger lead you to take charge from, The Goddess of Everything.

It's In The Cards

Today the goddess speaks about herself:

My Tarot card of the day well describes my state of being.  So, I'm just going to cut and paste.

Your Daily Tarot Card Saturday, April 18 The Hermit The Hermit represents the need to distance yourself from the people and events in your life that are causing undue strain on your emotions. There are times in your life when seclusion and isolation are warranted. The Hermit is a card of discovery and enlightenment, which can only develop by spending time alone with your thoughts. Your energy will be depleted quickly in social situations. (The last part has been so true for me) Please don't take that first part personally.  My emotional state is a rollercoaster, and it is all about me. May you enjoy peace, and be free from undue strain: The Goddess of Everything.

Whirled Peas

Tonight the goddess speaks about herself:

I cannot sleep, again. 

My mind is whirling like the peas foretold on the car bumpers of old yuppies.

My body temperature does not regulate. 

I am too cold to fall asleep.

I can feel my toes

As if they are a separate part of my body.

My brain is a pool.

All thoughts are precariously balanced. 

They sit staring at the water

Hesitant to jump in case the water is intemperate. 

But, the water is nothing. 

It's just water.

Inside my chest, I can hear my heart.

It is annoyingly loud. 

Something is foreign in there. 

I can't seem to get my mind away from the edge of the pool

to

stop the

precarious thoughts, 

the cold toes, 

the too loud heart.

May peas and quiet be yours from, The Goddess of Everything.

Not In The Mood

Today the goddess speaks about herself:

  (Dear Reader, it's not you; it's me.) With that little disclaimer out of the way I can get started on my purely, self-indulgent whine fest.

     I have not kept up with my blog because I have not been able to step out of myself, and see the humor beneath the cloud of gloom I have created all around me.  Maybe it began with the bad haircut . . . maybe it began with the prescription pill weight gain . . . maybe it began when I had to go back to an overly stressful work environment before I was fully recovered from major surgery . . . maybe, maybe, maybe. Who cares. I'm so sick of myself it's ridiculous. There is NOTHING hugely wrong with me. N.O.T.H.I.N.G. That is why I say I created my own gloomy cloud. BORRring.

     I did get a bad, bad haircut. It was a home job. Chop, chop. It is only now beginning to look good to me three months later. I kind of like how it has grown out. To maintain it I could use another haircut. Problem is, I'm afraid of 'hairstylists'. They scare me more than going back in time to visit a sadistic 60's dentist.  My hair has become the least of my worries. It, at least, is tangible. The rest of me is steeped in negative joo joo; bad energy; cloudy karma; wrong firing neurons. 

     It is way past time to hunt down a mule for a good kick to the head. All around me people are having real problems while I grump about my day. But, here's the thing. I have done my best to protect the general population. I have been in deep hibernation. I don't go anywhere besides work. I stay home, I go to work. I keep out of every one's way. When I do have to go out in public people feel the need to remind me how long it has been since they've seen me. Then, the dreaded question, "What have you been doing?"   Argh.  Nothing. I've been doing nothing. Beyond that I am empty of small talk. I cannot for the life of me exchange pleasantries. When asked how I am, I exert herculean self-control to keep from telling them e-x-a-c-t-l-y how I feel, and it's not 'fine'.  Avoiding engagement, I don't ask how them how they are doing either.

     My doc wondered if I had a hole in my aura. God almighty, that's all I need. I don't know if I have a hole in my damned aura. I'm not sure what my aura does, or if it exists. One time some stranger walked up to me, and told me my aura was hot orange, and I must be in a lot of physical pain. Duh, I was rubbing my neck and wincing in -- wait for it -- pain. OK, so if you know me, you know I am open to all of that woo woo stuff. It's just that my bad mood precludes me being able to deal with any other realms of consciousness right now. Here, now, and three dimensions is about all I can handle. 

    I did work with a psychic/energy cleaner outer/woo woo expert recently, and it just made me mad.  Apparently, I had some hitchhiking old woman stuck to me like glue for the last two years. I guess she's gone now but, I'm pretty upset with her for dragging me down. Just who did she think she was sucking up my good energy because she was too afraid to move on to her next destination? Didn't I have enough to deal with with a failing heart, a stressed out spouse, and a sick kid? The woo woo lady told me to write the hitchhiker lady a letter. I was supposed to put all of my bad feelings in the letter, and burn it. I've heard of adult children of screwed up parents doing that. It's supposed to be cathartic. I haven't done that yet. I guess it couldn't hurt but it's one more thing. 

May peace and an intact aura be yours from, The Goddess of Everything.

     

Day Light Savings Time

Today the goddess speaks about herself:

The Goddess HATES Day Light Savings Time. She really really hates 'Spring Forward'. I don't need to lose one more hour of sleep, in my life. If I could gain an hour every month, now that would be worth changing the clocks for.

I will not get over this. I will not go with the flow. I will not ignore it (well, maybe just a little). If I were braver, I would rebel. I would refuse to acknowledge the change, and show up everywhere an hour later. So there!

May peace and more sleep be yours from, The Goddess of Everything.

It's All Been Said Before

Today the goddess speaks about herself:

I haven't written in awhile. Every time I come up with and idea, I read another's blog, who has already stated my point of view. EVERYONE is writing something these days. Good or bad, it all seems to be out there. Also, I haven't felt very funny, but that's another story -- I think . . .

What's left to say? Well, I feel overexposed. I've been on Facebook for a few months now, and it seems like my business is like laundry hanging out to dry in the surburbs. I've done it to myself; filling out all of those surveys and lists about myself. One blogger likened it to the little morsels of pillow talk one usually spills out over months of dating. I've just upchucked myself all over the internet.

Cousin S admitted that it was a bit Narcissistic. This had occurred to me when I first set out on my little FB adventure. I deliberately chose to allow myself to be a narcissist in this particular environment. It's fun. Why not? 

Now, as I find myself, overexposed and wanting to pull back I have to think about how that is going to work. I notice my eldest son and his friends never post a status update. They rarely check the site except to post pictures of/for each other. That seems reasonable -- well, save for the one guy who always posts the pictures of everyone else drinking, drinking, drinking at parties. That's got to get old after a bit. 

I don't want to leave the environment, I simply want to pull in a bit. The catalyst came when someone was suggested to me, as a friend, that I was not prepared to have know anything personal about me. I immediately went in and amped up my privacy settings.  My next step may be to erase my most personal details. I've already begun that process by taking down some of my info. It won't be as much fun perhaps, but the landscape has changed. I am no longer surrounded by only trusted friends. There are all of these friends of friends, and neighbors, and former students, and their parents, and the checker at the grocery store. This will not do. Not for me.

Besides, who will want to read my blog, if they get tired of me over there? I'm kind of tired of me over there. If  I think of all of the people in the world, is there anyone else left who I really want to connect with? Maybe. Maybe there is someone whom I have forgotten that I loved to be around, and we will find each other there. It will have to be through a friend though. I've gotten all private again.

May peace and less exposure be yours from, The Goddess of Everything.

All Amped Up Yet Strangely Tired

Today the goddess speaks about herself:

It has been a good and full day. I should be in bed, and yet here I sit. I'm not so tired, but too tired to trudge up the stairs, wash my face, and change out of my clothes. In fact, I still have my coat and scarf on. I have been home for 3 hours.  If it weren't so cold, I would fall asleep in this chair.

Today I got to say good-bye to someone I refused to say hello to. The outgoing president; "He who can't be named".  Not a fan, never a fan, read the books and followed the stories when he was running for Texas governor. Why didn't half of the country do their research before they voted?

It is such a relief. I don't know what will change, but something has got to be better than the black cloud of fear and hate that this last dude perpetuated. 

New guy, new president, history being made, breath of fresh air for this moment. I am way too much of a socialist to think that the air will completely be to my liking.  I don't think I will need my gas mask anymore though. Whew. 

I look forward to tomorrow, for my country. When was the last time I thought that thought? 

As my eyelids droop, and my fingers click away, I am reminded that the sooner I get to bed, the sooner I can wake up to a full day of new hope.  It is almost like a childhood Christmas eve. Thank you, America. Thank you for not picking the political look-alike.  Memories are short around here so I will savor these years while they last. Voters seem fickle. Today I say thank god for their fickleness,  unlike eight years ago when I was railing against the stupidity fickleness brought.  Fickle pickle tickle.

I'm amped and ready to go. I'm tired and ready for a deep sleep. All and everything. It's cold, so I will rush up the stairs rather than trudge. I will fling my clothes off, and tuck myself into bed with cozy pajamas on, and sweet dreams on my pillow. Oh, and a kitty or two at the foot of my bed. Cats on the bed were not allowed during the last presidency. It is a new and hopeful era. A cats get to sleep on the bed era. Nothing will disturb this goddesses sleep tonight, or hopefully for the next 4 years. 

May a confluence of energy and excellent exhaustion be yours from, The Goddess of Everything.

A New Year, A New (Old) Me

Today the goddess speaks about herself:

Why do we feel the need to make big resolutions at the turn of the new year? Because it feels new, darn it. It is a place to start over, make a run at old and new goals. Some years I feel more inclined to participate in the resolutions game than others. This year is looking to be a goal setting one. 

I am a list maker. I operate so much better with a list in my hand, and a pen, with purple ink, to cross out each item as it is completed. I will even write things down I have already done to be able to cross something off right away -- just to get the ball rolling in the right direction. 

Mostly, I  want to keep my household running smoothly, with less clutter, see that my family's needs are met, and that I am practicing regular self care. This year I have set a few bigger goals. I MUST travel. I MUST. Recently, I mentioned a class a friend is teaching in Italy, and my husband said that I should sign up for it. I have always wanted to travel in Europe with my husband so, have put off many opportunities. When I have been to Europe it has been with my sisters. That makes for a different kind of gondola ride, but oh well. So, I am going to do it. I am going to commit to the trip. If the man wants to join me, he may. I'm not going to worry about it. Once summer hits he is in the studio and I don't see him again until the middle of September anyway.

I also plan to be on skis by spring. I had set a goal to be skiing this winter, but haven't felt ready (still healing from the heart thing). I heard myself turning down a ski trip for this weekend siting too much exertion for my energy level, and I blanched. I know I need to allow my body time to heal, but I'm thinking it partly a head thing. Anyway, it had better be snowing in March, because that is how I want to spend some of my spring break.

I am in training people. Writing it out; making a list will inevitably help me keep my eye on the prize. I trained for heart surgery. Now, I am in training to reclaim an active life. This means more list making, and less Facebook, MySpace, Netflix and Janet Evanovich. Those were on my 'rest to heal' list. I have two gym memberships, and a host of friends and family past ready to have me reclaim my activity director hat. 

I would have liked to spice this entry up with humor, but I am just waking up (with a bad haircut). Next time. I'll be funny. I promise. It's on my next list. 

May peace and an active life be yours from, The Goddess of Everything.

{PS, writing is on my list ;)}