Cr*p (I hate that word but, it so applies)

Today the goddess speaks about herself:

"You might try a variety of tactics to keep you from sliding into a funk today and the easiest one is to let others distract you from your complex emotions. Surrounding yourself with like-minded family, friends or colleagues is one way to avoid sinking into your feelings . . ."

This is my horoscope today. It is spot on so far. I AM sliding into a funk, and I will be surrounded by family today. I don't know about like-minded, but it will probably be a distraction. 

I am cranky. Ridiculous reasons for funk sliding:

1. I hate my new haircut.

2. I've gained a lot of weight.

3. I don't want to have jury duty next week when I was snowed out of my classroom the last week of school, and I have no lesson plans prepared.

4. I loved staying home so much, that I never want to go back to work.

5. I haven't heard from my kids for three days, and I don't know if they know that we have to be in Sherwood by 11:30 this morning.

6. I want to go to Seattle for New Year's but B has to work, and I don't know if Dunc can take care of the animals if we are gone, which we can't because B has to work.

7. I wake up too early every morning. Usually I just go back to sleep until 

9 or 10 o'clock, but today I have to be in Sherwood by 11:30 (whose idea was that? What's wrong with 2:30, or 3:30?).

8. There's a 9 between my 7 and 8.

9. I'm whining and that is never flattering. I can't afford unflattering whining when I have a bad haircut, and have to wear Big Girl jeans that I swore I would never have to wear again so, I got rid of all of them, and now I had to buy some new ones!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10.AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (screaming inside my head to disturb the negative thinking patterns that are developing by writing this blog).

May peace and only ridiculous worries be yours from, The Goddess of Everything.

Waa, Waa, My Hair Is Gone

Today the goddess speaks about herself:

Sigh. I lost my mind this week. Saturday night to be exact. I am still trying to figure out what got into me. I cut my own hair. Never, never, never a good idea. I'm not talking a little trim. I'm talking massive hair lossage.

I haven't had a professional haircut since April. My hair has just grown and grown, like Rapunzel. It was long and super shaggy. There was absolutely no style to it whatsoever. If I didn't curl it it was Mennonite hair (without the little white cap). That's fine if one is a Mennonite. I am not. I was feeling a little too country girl, I guess.

Also, I am not a fan of the super long hair on old women. From behind, they look all young and sexy then, they turn around and, BAM! It's hard to look away from such a dichotomy.  Also, it is a bit scary, as if your very own eyes are playing tricks on you. 

I wanted  some sexy movement in my hair. So, I cut it short around my face. Poofta! My hair poofed up, framing my face with thick, brown apostrophes. Not my best look. Then, to alleviate this heavy look, I cut some of the hair in the middle, creating bangs. My husband told me not to, but a little devil possessed my scissor hand. Bangs. My super long hair in the back looked stupid now, kinda like "party in the back" 70's hair. So I wacked that off just below the shoulder. Five pounds of hair -- into the trash bin. 

"Agh!" I've never heard my husband scream before. He wasn't joking. That was his lizard brain response. Scream, cover eyes, quickly turn away.  My lower lip trembled like it hasn't since I was about five years old. Twenty-five years together, and he couldn't control himself. I could tell he knew he had screwed up. Spouses have an  arsenal of 'supportive phrases' that by a quarter of a century are as easy to access as excess ear and nose hair. (If I could cut that off and glue it on my head, I would).

All I could do was crawl into bed, and hope that when I woke up, I would discover that it was all a bad dream. When it turned out to not be a bad dream, I swallowed my pride and explained myself to the hairdresser I hadn't seen in months. She told me she could make it all OK. But, after an hour it was another two pounds lighter, and much, much shorter. It's hair. It will grow back. I just wish I could stay in bed until that happens. 

When my husband saw my new do, he didn't hesitate, "That looks good -- it's sexy".

May peace and a true love be yours from, The Goddess of Everything.

Arctic Blast '08

Today the goddess speaks about herself:

I think I have survived the biggest snowstorm anyone  alive has ever seen in this area.

I am not tired of all of the snow. As it now melts away, I am actually kind of sad. It was fun being snowed in. Of course, my power never went out, and all of my family were warm and safe. 

I didn't mind not getting any mail, but I was super surprised by it. I thought there was some post person pledge, "Neither sleet, or rain, or snow, or bunnies . . . " ya know, that whole thing. It wasn't our mail carriers. The mail truck didn't make it in from the big city.

The roads were super dangerous. Many still are. I did miss my morning paper. That  didn't get delivered for a whole week. The mail came one day out of 10. The paper didn't. The road to our house was closed for two days, and probably should have been closed for more. A propane truck slid down the hill and crashed into a power pole. Lots of people lost power, but not us. Lucky again. We ran out of toilet paper and coffee. Two things I never want to be without again, but it didn't kill me.

The ground was covered in layers, like a cake. First, a foot or more of snow. Then, a half an inch of ice. Finally, another 6 inches of snow. One day I had bruised up my shins when I walked out to the mail box (which, of course, was empty). I would put one foot down, breaking through the crust, and when I didn't bring that foot back up exactly straight, my leg would knock against the layer of ice. Yow! The cat could walk across, like Jesus on the lake, but I'm a bit heavier. It really did hurt. 

This snow had to be seen to be believed. I would never have been able to believe it was this dramatic if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. I wonder if I will remember it when I am older and grayer. 

So, I have been a shut-in, and liked it. In fact, I would really like to still be snowed in for a couple more days. Just a good excuse to stay in bed and read. 

May peace and an interesting season be yours from, The Goddess of Everything.

Smells Like Wet Dog

Today the goddess speaks about herself:

We've been snowed in for a week. WITH the animals. That funky smell that is seeping in around the edges isn't pleasant. No matter how much essential oil I sprinkle here and there, the doggie smell is taking over my house. 

I have been in a flurry of cooking while shut in. All of the Christmas cookies, sweet bread, hot apple cidar and yummy meals only provide short term bliss to the nose. I will be happily melting something in my mouth when suddenly I will get a whiff that spells w-o-o-f. I can't kick them out in these frigid temperatures either. Besides, they just frolic about in the snow for awhile, and pop back into the house all wet and more smelly. Plus, they are quite pleased with themselves.

We have four animals that can come in the house. A very large, and hairy shepard mix, a tiny (but oh so smelly) terrier/pug/shitzu/poodle/yorkie ball of bark, a big orange cat, and a feisty feral kitty that we have been taming. Three of the four are rescue animals. You would think that they would be more  grateful to have a home, and try to keep it nice. The fourth (the terrier mix) was born smelly. She can't help it I guess. She is darned cute in her funny little way. She is the reason I am up writing. She took it upon herself to bark until everyone under our roof, and the roofs of people in the next county were awakened. I don't know what got her all excited, but here I sit instead of being cozy in bed. 

It is Christmas morning.  I could be making the dough for the Christmas cinnamon rolls. I sort of lost my desire to cook a big breakfast, for Christmas, when my children jumped ship last night. The older one is working a double shift on the mountain today, and his brother hitched along to go snowboarding.  They said it was a hairy, wild ride. Driving in a snowstorm makes it hard to see the road, apparently. Most people stay home when the snow hits, but not my little winter babies. The youngest one spent 8 months in Iceland, and the eldest doesn't know the meaning of the phrase, 'turn back'.  They  covered any guilt they might have at abandoning their parents on Christmas by giving excellent gifts. It's not so bad. We had a lovely Christmas Eve. It is just that between the smelly animals, invading my space, and the hole the younger generation have left in the house, I just feel like going back to bed.

And, that's what I am going to do. 

May peace and a heavenly smelling Christmas be  yours from, The Goddess of Everything.

The Weather Outside is Frightful

Today the goddess speaks about herself:

It is a winter wonderland outside. As beautiful as it looks, it is mighty treacherous trekking for anyone who goes outside. There is a layer of ice over 7-8 inches of snow. Besides, the fire is the place to be today and I plan to be there. It is beautiful to look at. I may attempt an adventure to the road to see if our paper guy braved the trip to bring us our Sunday tome. Our mail lady didn't make it yesterday so I will be surprised if I get to read the Sunday funnies. The walk will give me a chance to peak in the goat barn.

Our goats are so cute this time of year. Our junior goats are so furry they look like sheep. They are all fat and cute. Yesterday, they ran into the pasture by the house, and the tallest one danced up onto his hind hoofs to pull down a fir bough. He was rewarded with a yummy treat, but the cost was getting snow dumped on top of him. He didn't seem to mind  since he went around the entire tree pulling down bough after bough, getting a snow bath for his efforts every time.

The dogs are truly loving their snow play. They leap and dive, and then run around like wild things, barking for joy. When they are ready to come inside they are matted with snow and require a good rubbing down. The cats, on the other hand, go right under the house. They have no interest in getting their little paws wet. I don't know what they are doing under there; it's possible they are playing with spiders. They come in the house covered in cobwebs. That isn't so cute, or easy to clean off. Currently, the littlest dog, and the littlest kitty, are chasing each other. The kitten is chasing the dog, and then the dog will suddenly stop, roll over and they wrestle. Kitty never tires of this game, but the dog retreats to the top of the couch when she is worn out. My big dog is snuggled with me on the couch. He was up half the night barking at a VERY loud owl in the woods next to our house. I was a little nervous letting the smaller animals out this morning for fear that noisy owl would swoop down, and carry one of them off for breakfast. 

My plan for the day is to wrap Christmas presents. I convinced my husband to drive into town yesterday. I knew the freezing rain was coming in, and I hadn't done my holiday shopping for our children yet. The drive was spectacular. It was like being in an old fashioned post card of an idyllic winter scene. It took over and hour for a usual 35 minute trip; most of which we traveled without seeing any other cars. I felt like we were traveling in another time, or on another planet. I swear I could hear the trees whispering to each other when I rolled down the car window. We did finally run into other shoppers the closer we got to town. The mall parking lot was pretty sparsely populated, but the Costco parking lot was just as packed as any other Saturday. We only went to three stores. I usually like to assist Santa with the stockings by acquiring healthy snacks for my handsome snowboarders at Bob's Red Mill. No way were we going to try to go down the little lane to that groovy store. So, I overcompensated by buying way too many treats at Cost Plus. I just love those mini packs of nutella with the little tiny, individually wrapped scoops. So cute. So tasty. They are upstairs, in the spare bedroom, right this very second. I may sneak one while I am in there wrapping all of the socks, giant bags of hot flavored kettle chips, books, and cozy pajamas we got for the boys. I may be getting a little excited for Christmas -- finally. 

First, I think that I will tidy up the kitchen, put on a pot of coffee, stick some bacon in the oven, and maybe thaw out some Amish Friendship bread for breakfast. My neighbor's hens are still laying, and she is letting me have whatever I can find while she and her husband whoop it up in Paris for Christmas. It is a toss up whether I would rather be in Paris or eating fresh eggs for breakfast. OK, Paris. I'm not that bucolic. 

May peace, a wintry wonderland, a warm fire, fresh eggs, and Paris be in your future from, The Goddess of Everything.

Live To Diet Another Day

Today the goddess speaks about herself:

Despite my adamant resolve to lose weight with slim-fast and cigarettes, my convenience store dream never got off the asphalt of the local quickie mart. I was stymied by the "ick" factor; my own gag reflex as it were. This story may yet have a happy ending, but first we must review. 

The beginning of my little adventure/adventure to be little began with a perusal of the local one-stop down the hill from my house. It is there that one can buy single, chilled cans of slim-fast meal replacement shakes. Already my commitment was slim -- haha. If I had truly been all in, I would have gone straight to the big box store for a case. My plan was to purchase a can or two to 'see' how I liked it. I carefully coached myself to NOT look at the list of ingredients. Certain ingredients are a deal breaker unless they are in any of the following: cheesy poofs, nutella, hot chocolate, chocolate kisses, fudgesicles, brownies, red vines or kettle corn, and the original recipe M&M's (seriously, I can tell the difference from 10 years ago). However, my ADD kicked in just as I selected a cappuccino flavored, make me skinny, diet drink, and allowing my glasses to slip down my nose, I peered over the top of them to read the ingredients. 'Hydrogenated' peered back at me. I don't eat any kind of hydrogenated unless it is in one of the previously listed free pass items. 'Artificial flavorings' -- another deal breaker. Then, a list of several things I can't pronounce which I have learned from previous encounters are preservatives and fillers. Sigh, I couldn't do it. I couldn't walk out of the store with a can of 'ick'. 

With the first blow to my two part diet plan blown, I turned my thoughts to part II -- cigarettes. No need to look at the ingredients list on those suckers. They are full of poison. I don't watch movies with the devil in them, and I don't read horror stories for fun. My readers can rest assured I would not read the side of a cigarette box before sticking a cancer stick in my mouth. How would anyone ever take their first drag if they fell into that trap? Some other force was at work though. Suddenly, everywhere I looked people were smoking. Everywhere. Very large people. Really, really obese people (and I'm not saying I wouldn't qualify) standing outside of restaurants, movie theaters, and the entrance to the hospital. I could not avoid the evidence of my eyes. Cigarettes were not making these people thin. OK, maybe they had just started smoking that day with the same plan in mind that I had had. Seriously though, I doubted it. They all seemed expertly comfortable, and not the least bit furtive in their practiced respite.  

I felt deflated, betrayed by my lack of resolve, and utter inability to ignore external  sabotage mechanisms. Why is it always like this? I set a goal. It seems reasonable. I try to implement the goal. Then, I actively look for ways to enable my unhealthy habits. I was so close to beginning something that I think could have really helped me achieve my goal weight. With each passing day, we are all just one more day away from the pine box. Why couldn't I stick to my plan, and lie in that box wearing a size 8 Stella McCartney kick ass outfit? Why, oh why, oh why?

May peace and the ability to turn off your inner 'ick' be yours from, The Goddess of Everything.

Liposuck That!

Today the goddess speaks about herself:

The good news is, I don't need botox anymore. The bad news is, I may need liposuction of the brain. Something is pressing on my brain, and making me fuzzy. All of my extra weight gain has caused my face to plump up so that I no longer need consider injecting poison into my furrowed brow.  However, I feel like there is a layer of fat around my brain now too. Fat = good for face = bad for thinking clearly.

I know that I am not thinking clearly because I am enjoying my job. This time of year, I usually can't wait to rid myself of the little ankle nipping six year olds, known as my students, by escaping to a tropical beach. Now, I am planning fun, holiday activities with cinnamon and applesauce, curling ribbon, glitter and cookie cutters. AND, I am liking it. Something is not right.

I know that my brain is not working correctly because I invited company over, for dinner, on a school night. I am cooking lasagna. Since Amy's has stopped making the family sized lasagna, I will be making my own -- FROM SCRATCH. Do you know how many flipping steps there are in lasagna preparation? More than two, which is one more than I usually care to be a party to.

There have been other signs of fat brain malfeasance. For instance, I keep wearing heals to work. This is not that comfortable, and I am not that young. I am not Tina Turner for christ's sake. (sorry Jesus) But, heels are slimming, and draw attention to one's legs. My legs look great (in stockings;I have varicose veins).  Heels also thrust one's buttocks out in a sexy manner. THERE IS NO REASON TO BE SEXY WHEN SURROUNDED BY TINY PEOPLE UNDER 30! Something is misfiring. Why am I drawn to inappropriate foot attire at this time? I have no idea. By the end of the day I am limping down the hall saying, "Ow, Ow" ever so quietly, to myself. 

Lastly, I have decided to KNIT my Christmas gifts this year. Christmas is less than a month away. I have 9 nieces and nephews, 8 siblings of varying kinds (four sisters, four brother-in-laws), 7 loved ones by marriage and birth (three mother-in-laws, two father-in-laws, my mother & my husband -- some people got married more than others), 6 gifting co-workers, 5 girlfriends, 4 pets a whining, 3 parent helpers, 2 children to whom I gave birth, and a partridge in a pear tree.  I have truly lost my mind.

May peace and abundance surround you (but, not necessarily around your brain) from, The Goddess of Everything.