Friday, March 28, 2008

Snowstorm in March or Bashful Bather

Today the goddess speaks about herself:
I cannot 'flower blooming' believe it. I am in the middle of a snowstorm in March.
It is my 'flower blooming' spring break, for flowers sake. Snow, hail, sun, snow, hail, sun, snow. What am I supposed to do with this weather? What have I done other than sleep, read, eat, sleep some more, and generally let the blood settle in my lovely ass-ets?
The one really good thing about adding extra pounds, due to my snowstorm inactivity, is that my bottom is so amazingly lush and full. I am not kidding. If you tell me differently I will poke your eyes out with my nose. I can't stop running my hand over my own round bottom. It is so easy for me to get fixated on anything though. For instance, on one of my TV marathon days, I watched a 30 minute show on Paul McKenna's weight loss strategy. He has four rules, and I have centered my attention on the first two, when the last two are significantly the more important ones. There are also ten of these segments, and I only watched the first one. What I am suggesting here is that I am not necessarily making good choices with my temporary fascinations. My ass may be gorgeous, but the muffin top above my jeans is a tad alarming. As are the first two of Paul's strategies if the last two are not followed. Here are Paul's four rules, so you don't have to watch his first segment and get stuck in the lower gears as I did:
1. Eat whatever you want
2. Eat when you are hungry
3. Eat consciously (no distractions like TV, or books, chew 20 times, etc. . .)
And here is the really important, not to be hastily cast aside rule,
4. Stop when you are full
Whatever. I don't think it is possible to get full on coconut, double dark, chocolate ice cream anyway.

I will be donning a bathing suit tonight. If I might compare myself to a tropical rain forest here, I'll be sharing my dense lusciousness with others. Hopefully it will be just the right amount of dark. We are going to some friends for dinner and hot tubbing. Thank god, they mentioned suits because they also suggested we could spend the night if we wanted. Had there been no mention of suits, implying nakedness, I might have thought they wanted to swing, and not the kind of swinging the monkeys in the rain forest do. I have been in their hot tub naked, it was quite the floating boob fest, but that is where I draw the line. I don't care to be surrounded by floating boy bits not belonging to my husband. As I told my friend, "I'm just not that groovy". My first two, mixed doubles, hot tub experiences left me a little shy of co-ed bathing.

I know that you are dying to hear the stories so here goes. When I was a sweet young thing, just nineteen years old, and barely not a virgin, my boss invited me over to her house to practice for our sign language test, and soak in her hot tub. To get a visual image of my boss, imagine small, demure, measured, and soft spoken. In fact she was so demure and controlled that she could not form a facial expression to accompany her sign language, which is an integral part of signing. That is why we were having the extra practice at her house. A glass of wine, and a soak were supposed to help to loosen her up. (My facial expressions were spot on; some might say that my every thought could be read in my face).

Excitedly, I packed a little bag, in preparation. I carefully considered my two suits; one a bikini, the other my swim team speedo. I chose the speedo, since it covered more skin. I felt I should be more conservative since I was dressing down with my boss, who was on the shy side.

I had never been in a hot tub. It was a cold night, snowing slightly, and I couldn't wait to experience being outside in the snow, yet cozy and warm in the hot water. It sounded delicious. Swinging my swim bag, I blithely, and light heartedly tra-la-laed to my boss' house. She was just getting home herself when I arrived. As we stood on her stoop, unlocking her door, she turned to me and said, "Oh, did I remember to tell you that we don't wear clothes in the hot tub; is that cool with you?" I can only imagine the expression on my face which did not match the words, "Sure, no problem", that spontaneously spouted from my mouth.

All through our sign language practice, I thought calming thoughts. "Why am I so dumb?" "Why didn't I say, but I'll be wearing clothes, thank you?" "What's the big deal, I walk around naked in the locker room all of the time." By the time I had convinced myself that it was perfectly cool to get in the hot tub, naked, with my boss, the front door opened, and in walked her boyfriend. A much older, shaggy haired, Lebanese man. "Great, I can join you in the hot tub!" he exclaimed.

Now this is where I was traumatized. Not only did I get into the hot tub, naked, with this naked couple, but when the water got too hot for the boyfriend, he stood up. He stood up and preened. That is the only way to describe it. I didn't know where to look. I tried to be cool. I tried not to be too obvious about commenting on the night sky. The time his privates spent above the water line was interminable.
And, the thing is, they both had to know how uncomfortable I was. I'm sure I hadn't suddenly learned to mask the betrayal of my oh so expressive face. I never hot tubbed with them again. I chose to pretend the night had never happened. Unfortunately, I still can't wipe the image of that naked man and his floppy penis out of my mind.

The other story is less time consuming. It was like a Saturday Night Live skit. A bunch of science teachers at a week long workshop, staying in a mountain lodge. Twelve of us crammed into a hot tub, laughing and drinking, and clothed. I came late to the party so I didn't know that one of the men was only wearing a pair of tighty whiteys. Tighty whiteys are not so tighty when they are wet. This guy started telling a story in a very lugubrious, listen to my every word, manner. During his very long story that he kept telling us had a hilarious punch line, he kept getting in and out of the hot tub in all his flabby, hairy, soggy underpantedness. It was absolutely gross. Another image emblazoned on my brain for all eternity. So, you can see why I am a little nervous at the prospect of sharing a soak with men.

Think of me tonight. No amount of alcohol could loosen me up if someone should choose to bare all. This time I will not be silent. I will rain my own snowstorm down upon my host if he so much as jokes about going naked bottom. If I'm not showing my yummy bottom then no one else is either.

May peace and a strong resolve be yours from, The Goddess of Everything.


Goddess of Everything said...

Is the comment section working or not? Why can't Charise Marie leave a comment?

Rebekah said...

For those of us who aren't google bloggers, we need to change the identity from Google/Blogger to Name/URL & then enter her name in the field that pops up. Maybe that will solve all of Charise Marie's problems in life. ;-) OK, maybe only this one.

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sister 2 said...

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